Friday, November 25, 2016

Puple hair

I had a rant in my mind but then thought better of it. It would be wrong to write about all the stuff my parents do that I don't agree with so I left it without being too specific.

For a long time I didn't want to have children because I thought I wouldn't make a good mom. My biggest fear was since I couldn't raise a dog properly, how was I going to raise a child that wouldn't go crazy as a teenager and do drugs and all that.

Then as the years progressed I fell into "if I get pregnant fine, I'll  have a kid,  if not, that's fine too" mentality. Mind you, I've been with the same man since I was 21 so this was not about "let's have unprotected sex with random guys". But I never did get off the pill until I was I believe 31. Well, to make a long story short, it took us 6 years to finally get a child. And believe me I've done some research on parenting in the meantime.
I have a certain idea of how to raise my child and it clashes with my parents' idea on parenting. I get all that they're grandparents but they're pretty much acting the same way when they were raising me. And it triggers me. Big time. I see the connections between my childhood traumas and their words/actions. And I don't want my child to be the way I was.

I had a great childhood. I always thought that. But it took me until now that I have my own child and see how they communicate with him to see what all went wrong. We live together, my parents and us, so their influence on my child is daily and profound. I don't hold back when I see them saying or doing something to my child that I don't agree with. And it has gotten me into some fights with my parents. I've seen a side of my parents that I never saw before. It was heartbreaking. I never in a million years ever thought I would have these kinds of fights with my parents. It's like I never really knew them. I mean, I was always a good girl and didn't really fight with my parents growing up. We disagreed and raised our voices but never really had a fight the kind we have now.

It's not about them spoiling him. That's what grandparents are for, right?! I do it, too. But I told them from the very beginning, if they're going to spoil him with certain actions, they can't hold it against him later on when he grows up and starts demanding the same actions that you don't particularly like doing anymore. That's what I object. Don't make him expect something from you then scold him for it when he wants it.

I let my kid cry. I let my kid be angry. I let him express emotion the best he knows how. So I don't appreciate when my parents start distracting him with stuff so he would stop expressing himself. That's how they handled me and I suppressed everything. I know they have his best interest in mind. I know they're not doing it on purpose. But I don't agree with it and when I tell them to approach the situation differently, it falls on deaf ears.

I see them project their own beliefs/traumas on him. Especially my father. My father is disabled and in a wheelchair. He has a lot of health issues. And he projects his own discomfort onto my child.


My mom on the other hand doesn't know how to say no and lets the kid get away with everything. So when he protests because she doesn't want him to do something, she lies to him. And I'm like, stop lying to him. Sit him down, tell him no, explain the consequences. Kids understand. He'll cry a little but he'll get over it.

The biggest issue here is that talking to them doesn't bear fruit. They're set in their ways and see nothing wrong. And when I tell them what they're doing is wrong, they see me as a teenage brat that doesn't know what she's talking about. That's what pisses me off. I don't want them causing him the same traumas they did to me.

I won't even start on the vegetarian issue. The stuff that comes out of their mouths and mom sneaking behind my back?! Never in my life I thought my parents would act this way. It's like they're strangers.

Linking to Paint Party Friday.
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8 comments:

  1. Oh my. Dear Natasha , just know that you are certainly not alone in these circumstances. I don't even have any sage advice . It's only that after the first few years with our baby son we decided to make our own decisions and if family didn't respect that, well then so be it.We still stuck to our decisions. Our son is now 28 and all is well:) Wishing you all the best!

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  2. Oh, I hear you! We live on the other side of the world from my parents now, and find it difficult when they come to visit for a month. I can't even imagine living in the same house all the time. You're brave for challenging them. It's hard when they undermine how you're trying to raise your child, but you're standing up for yourself, even though it's uncomfortable. Good for you. Hang on in there.

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  3. Dearest Natasha, my stomach dropped as you were writing my words verbatim! I didn't have a child for 12 years afraid I would be a nagging mother like mine was! Stick to your guns! I did the exact opposite with my child of how I was raised! I never had a day of trouble with her, we are still so close and she's almost 31. We live together and I hope I never undermine my wonderful daughter and son in law!We respect each other so much! I never lied to my daughter except on special occasions for presents and such...which I warned her I would. She always trusted me! First advice I give to a new parent is," Always remember no one knows the child like the Mother!" I'm glad you were able to vent here! Do what you think is best...trust me the oxymoron, "Boundaries set you free!" I set some big ones early with my family. Best thing I ever did! I totally believe in explaining things to children, they are so smart! Your two year old is your twelve year old!! You're doing a good job Natasha!!You can always find support here!!

    Big hugs
    Giggles

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  4. Love the expression on your gal, it mirrors your words!! Not sure if you meant to...but it's so good!

    Hugs Giggles

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  5. Thanks so much for sharing this, I've been thinking about parenting a lot lately. We have our first baby on the way, and I have ideas on what sort of parents I want us to be, but honestly I have no idea whether that will work out or not. It's all a big, fascinating experiment really isn't it. ;) Happy PPF!

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  6. First love the art and the purple hair. I think every parent goes through this. Take a deep breath and keep the peace.

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  7. Interesting. . .my in-laws were a problem with my kids and they ALL knew the rules. The purple hair is the best touch to the story. Blessings, Janet

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  8. My friend, I don't have children, but I understand what you are saying!
    This year, as you know, I started to truly love myself and through this healing, with my meditations, I saw every person for who they truly are. I love my family and are truly grateful for them, but I saw the manipulation, the guilt trips, the arguments, etc. with what I was brought up with. I forgave everyone in my own way and forgave myself. I have changed a full 180!
    Still it hurts, my family can't see any change, but that is fine. Because I am such a better place! Now, when things are said or done, I go to my happy place, because this is them. We are all on our own paths and I pray for their happiness.
    Keep being you and keep to what you want!!! Sending lots of positive energy!
    I love your purple hair girls!
    Big Hugs!

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